Phil Robertson’s Rape and Murder Boner

phil robertson

This is a picture of that Duck Dynasty zilch at a Florida prayer breakfast. It would be Florida. I reckon a shave and a shower for Jesus is off-brand for some conservative icons. I wonder how much sweat he worked up eating Christy eggs to need that bandanna. Somebody should ask him how many camouflages have to die per year so he can hide at public speaking engagements. I looked, but I didn’t see Herman Cain shaking his head in disappointment at a guy making incendiary comments without a suit and tie, so I guess whittling toys for hunters amounts to the same thing. Here’s what the real-world cartoon character had to say to all the nice Christians:

“I’ll make a bet with you,” Robertson said. “Two guys break into an atheist’s home. He has a little atheist wife and two little atheist daughters. Two guys break into his home and tie him up in a chair and gag him. And then they take his two daughters in front of him and rape both of them and then shoot them and they take his wife and then decapitate her head off in front of him. And then they can look at him and say, ‘Isn’t it great that I don’t have to worry about being judged? Isn’t it great that there’s nothing wrong with this? There’s no right or wrong, now is it dude?’”

Robertson kept going: “Then you take a sharp knife and take his manhood and hold it in front of him and say, ‘Wouldn’t it be something if this [sic] was something wrong with this? But you’re the one who says there is no God, there’s no right, there’s no wrong, so we’re just having fun. We’re sick in the head, have a nice day.’”

“If it happened to them,” Robertson continued, “they probably would say, ‘something about this just ain’t right.”

Right Wing Watch, via TPM

put-that-evil-on-me

Woof! For the love of fuck, Phil, that’s one hell of an elaborate horror story you’ve concocted in your head there. Does it get lonely out in them marshes, lot of quiet time waiting for waterfowl, polishin’ yer gun and stewing in a steaming pile of your own thoughts? Get pretty dark in that weeping willow you call a skull sometimes, good buddy? You’ve written a fully articulated snuff film scene, and atheists are the ones that ‘just ain’t right’? Don’t get me wrong, that’s good Christian rhetoric. Mel Gibson just spermed in a gym sock, I’m sure there’s a CBN nomination in it for you.

Little tip, though? Writers’ room punch up stuff? Mas adjetivos, hermano. You really want to paint a picture, make that knife ‘blunt and rusty’ to really drive the dick sawing home. Where’s the chair, the foyer? Did they make it all the way to the den? And while we’re at it, how did they rape the daughters. I’m talking biologically and level of enthusiasm. Also, you don’t ‘decapitate a head off,’ you cut a head off, or decapitate a person. It’s that kind of attention that separates the boys from the producers of The Girl Next Door. That’s alright though, we’re all just impressed you’re this literate. You’re the man with the vision, we’re just here to polish that insane clown skull to masturbatory perfection.

Look, this is the perfect test case for popular atheist misconception in America. Pass this around to your friends when they try any of these weak arguments on you. It’s a rephrasing of the old argument, “What’s morality without God?” Here’s the thing they don’t seem to be able to wrap their apparently demented heads around: Wanting and needing and fearing shouldn’t affect belief. It’s actually difficult to imagine the thought process that allows a sane mind to believe that they even can. Even if I couldn’t wade through the murky ethical waters of goddamned French Revolution torture for myself, my intellectual integrity wouldn’t allow for an imaginary placeholder simply for the sake of ultimate justice. It’s just lazy.

With my wife and kids dead, my severed cock flapping in front of my face, bleeding out from my formerly imposing pelvis, there isn’t any more evidence for the supernatural then there was before your sick porn fantasy went down. I’d be rightly scared out of my mind, and probably a little hateful toward these intruders – – but what do Christians imagine clicks in the other, rational section of my brain that I say, “Oh, then God must be a real thing then”? Even if I wanted the kind of Biblical justice Phil’s talking about, it doesn’t make it real. I want three hot whores and one ugly one under my desk right now – – #FrownyFace, wishing didn’t make it true.

By Phil's logic, there are no believers in an emergency. Pray it better, you faithless coward!

By Phil’s logic, there are no believers in an emergency. Pray it better, you faithless coward!

There’s the whole “No Atheists in Foxholes” fallacy that’s been used as toilet paper so much they should probably think about printing it on a baby wipe for strength and starfish-coddling comfort. It’s not true, but it wouldn’t mean anything if it was true, because that would only be a manifestation of the old dogmatic fears of fire and judgment and eternity you’ve tried to cram our impressionable brains with since we were born. We’ve already rejected all that junk, through a tedious process of introspection and research, and Pascal has just a whole bunch to say about hedging your bets. It wouldn’t be honest – – and wouldn’t God know that? Why are you trying to trick your God, Phil? There ought to be a commandment.

If this conservative martinet is to be believed, he genuinely thinks that if there isn’t a god, there’s nothing wrong with rape, ritual murder, and forced castration. I completely believe him, because this guy has the scenario laid out in his head as a non-novelist can only imagine sexual fantasies. Christians: that terrifies the ever-loving bajeezus out of atheists, you guys. It means that the only thing separating most of you from a real world Rob Zombie joint is the rickety carabiner of over-justified faith over the deep valley of enlightenment. If the only thing stopping you from going full-on Vorhees is a book with numbered paragraphs, by all fucking means, you cling to it, you mountain-man looking sons of bitches.

Here’s the part that really pisses my knickers about Christians that think like our bushy buddy Phil: The maniacal pleasure they take in the punishment our ‘sick in the head’ home invaders would endure. For eternity, which is a concept they clearly haven’t really begun to consider, and isn’t even a real thing. Forever, just raped in the singed ass with fiery pokers, their souls wrung out by the calused-handed demons of thick-armed Costa Rican washer-women, hanging by thin, shredded optic nerves while ugly leprechauns tickle their feet with pages from the Quran – – or whatever, I bet Ferocious Phil up there has imagined it more cinematically for his spank bank. It’s gleefully anticipatory, and Robertson literally just said he can’t imagine a life without that assurance. Sorry: cosmic, unending torture is your incognito Google search, dude, not ours (Proverbs 23:7).

I didn't know it was possible to want to see this less.

I didn’t know it was possible to want to see this less.

 

It isn’t justice (though you might not know it from the American penal system), it’s flat-out revenge. It’s hate-fuckery, no matter how you slice it – – against people you just said were ‘sick in the head’ and therefore not responsible for their actions. Why would I want that? Why do you want that? How can you imagine your morality is superior to mine when you would want anyone to endure that kind of shit? And you pity me for not believing it would happen, it… it violently fingers the mind. It goes in dry and crooked, and wrenches the meats to the point where it has to be driven to an uncomfortable doctor’s consultation. It isn’t that I love my wife less than you love yours, you just love your nappy, unkempt ego more than I do.

And since we’re all not understanding each other: I can’t imagine living a life in which my amygdala (in your case, a six pack of Pabst with the personality of Damien from Omen going through puberty) ruled what I believed in. My Batmanish sense of justice, my understanding of the natural world – – all out the window because I went through some shit? That’s your life, man, that’s how you think, and I genuinely don’t see how you wrap your head around it. If anyone has any insight, leave it in the comments, because all joking aside, I am seriously curious.

In the meantime, fuck you, Phil Robertson, for making me imagine all of that shit. That’s on you, and your good, bacon-and-terror Christian brain. Indeed, “somethin’ about this just ain’t right,” I just listened to you verbally massacre my whole family for your own sick mental fetish video. I don’t blame you for having a fucked up brain, but somebody’s got to stop setting up podiums for you to hide your boner behind when you talk about the mass murder of atheists.

 

  • nancy

    *clapping!!!
    well done!

  • Guitarman

    Wait…are we talking about ‘legitimate’ rape here? Seriously though, this is one of Christianity’s favorite atheist slams. You don’t believe in God so you can’t possibly have morals…Which is why atheists everywhere are murdering and raping everyone. *rolls eyes* I know Christians that are pro-choice and atheists that are pro-life. Seems backwards for those on the ‘only Christians have morals’ bandwagon. Here’s a fun scenario for Phil: 8000 years ago a guy stabbed his buddy with a sharp piece of bone. His buddy said “ow!” and proceeded to bleed to death. After realizing his buddy wasn’t going to open his eyes again he said, “Oh shit! What a horrible thing to do!” He then spread this new found knowledge with everyone he came in contact with.