I am definitely not spitting news at you when I tell you that Indiana Governor Mike Pence fired off a law last week that would protect the poor Christian business owners who weren’t allowed to wipe their asses with a century’s worth of American civil rights progress and kick gays* to the curb without wedding cakes. It’s probably not news to you, either, that the country at large made Pence fucking choke on that steaming pile of legislation and barf out a series of weak-ass defenses. He’ll bleed out on the mat for it, and it couldn’t happen to a nicer human colostomy bag.
But mark my words, when election time rolls around again, his war chest will be McDuckian, and he’ll put up a fight and a half. Why? Because corporate donations. “But I thought excluding a large, famously cash-fluid customer base was bad for all business.” All mortal-plane, ethically conceivable businesses, but those are dropping like flies. The corporations contributing to campaigns are mythological Titans, just so mammoth and comical that when they squat to shit, they take out small townships. Sublunary rules don’t frigging apply to them. When you’re in the top three in a poker tournament, you can afford to lose a hand or two. If that hand happens to be an incomprehensibly unpopular subsection of society, consciously reviled by 20% of the population who are tacitly supported by another 60%, you can afford to lose more. Human collateral damage isn’t anything more freaking money can’t shovel into a shallow ditch.
Let’s get this gin-piss clear: Christians that support the Indiana law are fucking helmet candidates. Like, we should be asking them if they should have a helper in the supermarket, or if they’re allowed out on their own. Not only because the definition of bigotry is 2 parts hate, 2 parts ignorance, and a splash of opportunistic justification, and they dropped that ball hard. Not only because they’ve once again chosen the wrong side of American history, without realizing that the goal of this young-ass national experiment is to heap freedom on as many bitches as humanly possible.
Not only because – – yes, I’m going to do it – – Christianity is just this side of treason when you consider that the laws of the land are the limbs of a complicated and fragile pinata when God’s laws are weighed on the same scale.
Christians that support the Indiana law are slope-head dummies because they’re being played. Mike Pence knows this about them, he’s paid by his donors to use it against them. All Republicans are, and probably most Democrats. Christians’ blind, ignorant-ass hatred is recognized for the weakness that it is by the real assholes in this situation: The corporations. They’re playing all of us, pitting us against each other in an unwinnable battle, in a war of incompatible ideologies. While the credulous believer brigade pokes the beehive of natural progress, Corporate America just carved another notch on the rapin’ bed. And the Christians taken their own deli ticket for a turn on that bed when there’s nobody left.
It isn’t the first non-consensual love making, either. The owners of Hobby Lobby considered it their religious freedom to get all up in the medical treatment of their employees. The news cycle flips, we all see a super hero movie, forget our rage. Then, the owners of Chik-Fil-A considered it their gawd-given right to put their profits toward gay torture camps. Every holy humping time it’s presented on a party platter of religious freedom, and we all gobble up the garbage without recognizing the whole point: Companies aren’t fucking people, you guys. They don’t have religious freedom, because they’re not citizens, they are constructs that have to follow certain rules in order to exist as companies in the goddamned United States. Religious freedom is granted to all of us as citizens, and it extends exactly as far as the tip of our noses.
Every victory for the so-called “religious freedom” side is one more step toward complete corporate personhood. It all works out swell for the Christian Dominionist cunts, who think their bigotry isn’t bigotry because Bible – – for now. But on this trajectory, if these cases keep popping up and eroding social justice, economic justice takes double the backhand to the testicles than gay rights possibly could.
Here’s how the Indiana situation plays out: fucking Feudalism. It’s the only logical conclusion. It works on two fronts – – the Christian front and the corporate front. Check it out:
Front 1: Christian business owners get their magical wish and get to deny service to anybody that doesn’t live up to their immoral standards. Fine, get your hot dog from the shop down the street, right? Well, what if every purveyor of sweet pig-hoof-and-horse-anus sausage in the whole town is Christian? For that matter, what about grocery stores, coffee shops, Kinko’s? When the test for a collated financial report is to suck a cock and not look like you’re enjoying it too much, do you show up to the big meeting empty handed, or gag on it for the paycheck?
It’s exactly like how we build cities now to keep convicted sex offenders out. Sex offenders aren’t allowed within such-and-such miles of a school or playground, so you build your schools and parks strategically placed so that sex offenders can’t live anywhere near the city proper. They have to live in some squalid-ass ghetto with the shitty bodegas – – and keep in mind, you can get on that list for pissing on the wall behind the bar as much as for raping a couple dozen succulent babies. Civil engineers all over the US are engaged in this kind of city planning as we speak. The same goes for the gay community – – or any other community Christians decide the Bible allows them to hate later on. All they have to do is own most of the essential capitalist services in a given area, and their community is 100% faggot-free – – or black-free, or Buddhist-free, because why the hell not? Nice melting pot… oh, Texas already scrubbed that lexical mainstay from the text books? Whew, headed that conundrum off at the pass. Forget the bumsecks, how was I going to explain that one to my kids?
The Bible is nebulous, it has nothing to corroborate its authority, no one person that can lay it all out on a chart, so any personal interpretation is good to go. Suddenly, half of western Alabama has legalized slavery, because Jesus said slaves should be obedient to their masters. Jesus said it! Don’t try to tell me it won’t go that far, because it has gone exactly that far not all that long ago. And either way, it’s gone as far as Mike Pence’s law this time around – – if you want to honestly say that, given this one particular inch, the dominionist community is going to say “nah” to the mile, I have a bicycle helmet for you, too. You should wear it indoors and out.
Front 2: Meanwhile, the owners and operators of the largest global corporations adopt “personal theological convictions” that suit their particular business model to a T. It’s against Walmart’s religious convictions to pay a living wage. It’s against McDonald’s religious convictions to provide any health care. Safeway doesn’t feel like giving bathroom breaks on a twelve hour cashier shift – – they thought about backing it up with some ancient scripture or some other such shit, but really, why bother? “Personal convictions” rule the day and night-shift.
Seriously think about where that leaves your average American citizen, and really consider whether this postulation is an exaggeration. 97% of the country, all of us playing with our dicks pondering which Feudal overlord is going to screw us the least. “I was going to move rocks from one side of a parking lot to the other for Halliburton, but they test their employees’ ejaculate to see if they’ve been masturbating, so I think I’ll work for Comcast. They don’t believe I should get my heart medications, but at least I’ll perish faster.” It will affect where we live, what we eat, who we marry. Frontier Communications will be able to tell you that you have to go to an Episcopal Church on your off time – – and you’ll have to, because you have nowhere else to go. Never mind that the US has laws against that kind of thing, it won’t matter. Because you can’t live in any major metropolitan area (see Christian Asshole Front 1), and a grueling, humiliating call center job stands between you and watching your daughter starve to death.
Oh, and on your way to that job, don’t forget your detox pill and your gas masks. Because while the Christians squeal, “God isn’t capricious,” the corporations have gone entirely unregulated. Make sure your rifle site has a Bible verse on it, or the lepers won’t know whether or not to eat your brains.
I guarantee I’ll get comments telling me this is an over-reaction, and nobody wants to be alarmist about it, but the lie is that it’s impossible. That we’ll catch it before it goes too far, as if it hasn’t already. Progress is cumulative in both directions, and we’ve already begun retarding. Sit on your ass, but you’re going to be wishing it was Occupy blocking your route to work and not a collapsed bridge on your way to the Arab Castration Factory.
We’re not innocent in any of this, either. LGBQ+ et al, all of us liberal pussies fighting lamely on the first front when we should be flanking. To be fair, it’s understandable, considering the gay community is being used as cannon fodder in the larger war. I’d make it about me, too. Pence certainly is. But we’re supposed to be the smart ones, why aren’t we putting it all together? #FeudalAmerica on Twitter, or something. Because the gay community and the Christian community are going to burn together when it gets even more blatant that any rights, let alone religious rights, are secondary to some rich heiress bitch’s third yacht. Fuck all of us for this, but fuck the religious right the hardest, unlubed-iest for being so clinically retarded.
*And atheists, just by the way, but we’ll be alright. This one’s about LGBTQ+, we’ll take the next one.