Ben Carson’s Uncle Ben Routine Actually Pretty Funny, If You Stick With It

ben carson portrait

Review – Ben Carson is the current front-runner for the GOP presidential candidacy, because in the world we live in, Drip van Winkle with malpractice suits is actually preferable to respected politicians with celebrated careers in their party. That’s not wrong, it’s just depressing. It won’t last, of course. Election season for 21st century Republicans is a carousel of dumb-upsmanship, a changing room for manic masks of increasing intensity and abject danger. Or like a prize wheel in Vegas, only if Ben’s having his turn now, it ain’t landing on him in March.

But before the presidential preference election closes this off-Broadway minstrel show, we can enjoy the spectacle of a racial apostate setting his people back a half-century. Some of you didn’t like that sentence, I am making the jerkoff motion at you. Personally. I can see you.

I stole this from Cracked. Don’t sue me just because you have a great jerkoff gif.

Ben Carson has to be some kind of test for sensitive white people who know you’re not supposed to talk like this, but, like – – really? When is it alright to say it? Why aren’t you guys saying it? Real avant garde performance art shit, making white people feel really uncomfortable about the potential path the next eight years of their lives could very reasonably take. I’ll say it now, at the risk of your clicking away prematurely, I’m giving it a full four-and-a-half stars.

ben carson popeyes

That missing star-half is the result of a flubbed landing on his lie about how he endangered the life of a minimum wage employee at Popeye’s. It was meant to appeal to the drugstore kickers that make up a giant slice of the Republican base, but only ended up costing Popeye’s business. It didn’t cost Carson a goddamned percentage point in the polls, though. Oh yeah, and it successfully made the association in Republican voters’ minds between fried chicken and the only black person in the race, which was the plan.

Dr Benny rallied by doubling down hard on his shit kicker credentials. He went ahead and lied about having a street tough childhood, with knives and zip guns and whatever the kids fight with these days I mean those days. Yeah. He was a tough kid until White Jesus came and saved him, and made him the Cosby what hasn’t been caught yet. Except everybody who knew him then called bullshit, there’s no evidence of any of this, and every suggestion Ben was a studious nerd that couldn’t get in trouble if he honked a white chick’s boob on an Alabama main street.

Why the shit would anybody lie about being a violent psychopath? About being bad at it? That he, a presidential candidate with the reaction time of a dude on a full medical pot brownie, still has the potential for violence in him? For that matter, why would a brain surgeon pretend he doesn’t know for what the pyramids were built? Why would he say he had a full scholarship to a free college he never applied to? That he got the offer from a public figure he never met, that is still alive to interrogate on the subject? Why would a guy who definitely understands science offer a bullshit explanation of the Laws of Thermodynamics? Why would he concoct a story about protecting white students from marauding black gangs after MLK? I get not liking Obama’s policies, but what would make a black presidential candidate blow the Satan dog-whistle about the dude that paved the way for black presidents? What makes a man with eight years of the best education on the planet say, out loud, that he was too dumb to understand chemistry until an angel taught him in his sleep?

Why would a black man of any stripe compare a health insurance policy to slavery?

Because that’s dumb fucking shit, and so are Republican voters. To a man. There’s just tons more, but I don’t want to pile on. I know, so far I’ve alienated black people that like Ben Carson and Republicans. I’m just the worst.

It’s not even all that controversial to say that most things Ben Carson has said publicly are complete fabrications.

By now, you’re confused. How is this complete loss a presidential contender? Because Republicans saw the entertainment potential we good progressives missed. On November 18th, 2015, Benny gave us the wink that showed us it was all one giant 12 act play, and I couldn’t be happier.

This is our concern, dude.

This is our concern, dude.

It is to laugh, you guys! Even if he didn’t go to fucking Yale (that could be a lie, too, why not?), which is in Connecticut, how does a guy run for president without knowing which way the states point? Yes, a firm grasp of American geography is a prerequisite for the job. I’m afraid I’m going to have to insist.

What’s hilarious is that Ben Carson knows this. He, like most of the intellectual elite and a remarkable amount of 6th graders, can draw a convincingly accurate map of the US from memory. His campaign definitely knows the internet is just lousy with blank map templates you can just yoink and fill with whatever color scares constituents most effectively. You don’t have to pretend to do a puzzle every time you want to visually represent the country you propose you lead. Ben knows this. He fucked it up on purpose. Same goes for the recent press releases saying Carson – a brain surgeon – can’t grasp the simplest concepts of foreign policy. In a softball interview with Chris Wallace, Carson was able to reference Mosul, but when asked what allies he would call on in the area to help, he suddenly couldn’t remember the names of Jordan, Turkey, Saudi Arabia. Unlikely. “I’s so dumb, I needs ya to let me know how dumb I is,” is what the brain surgeon is saying. “I don’t know from those snobby elite liberal coastal states, I focus on Real America.” Now that’s a black president the Republican electorate can get behind.

If you’re insulted by what I’m typing, and not what he’s doing, well:

The absolute funniest part, though, is that Ben Carson has the ultimate Republican story and it’s all true! No shit, his real story isn’t that he had a gangy, stabby childhood and anger issues, that he struggled in school, none of that. Ben Carson started from the bottom and pulled himself up by Republicans’ favorite brand of strap. He studied and worked hard. In college, friends and professors say he got up at 5, put on a three piece suit, and studied until class every damned day. Bush II went to the same school around the same time, did a bunch of blow and got up at 2pm every day, and got the same diploma, then took the job Ben wants. Let that sink in, like shit in the sheets of a paraplegic whose sole caretaker unexpectedly died last week.

Ben Carson’s story could have inspired a generation of black kids to be good God-fearing capitalists, to reach for their dreams despite adversity, but instead he crafted a narrative to sell a series of books. Books that, mostly unbeknownst to the white population, were kept like Bibles in black households where mothers used them like Dr Spock. Books that are so unreasonably, hysterically damaging in their message, Steve Harvey might have told him to tone it down a little, and by his own description, Harvey is one of the original kings of comedy, he would know from funny.*

Black moms keep these books like Asian moms keep the Tiger Mom books. The entire premise, stretched over several profitable tomes, is that black kids, especially the males, are inherently violent and stupid, and only Jesus can save them. This is Ben’s official position. Stacked next to Cosby’s admonitions to black youth to act more white, you’ve got yourself a KKK day off. This is where he says he was too dumb to pick up chemistry before a big test, but an angel came and put it in his head just in time. This is about the time when he unloaded his batshit insane pyramids-as-granaries theory that someone, somewhere, right now is defending as legitimate. “You don’t know, you can’t possibly know, man, it was a long time ago. His guess is as good as any other!” That’s how people think. Ben Carson didn’t do this to us, but he’s humping it pretty hard, just the same.

Concerned he hadn’t quite sold the black man in black face show, in 2003 he made up a fake story about being a baby daddy sued for paternity.

ben carson maury

I mean, the shitty part is that we weren’t told he was a family celebrity in black culture so we could pop some corn. Watching someone work his ass off to incubate a cultural disease in his own community is knee slapping hilarity, don’t you agree? He’s demanding to see sealed Obama records that aren’t frigging sealed, because nothing gets an Alabama hick wet for voting like finding out the black president is un-American in some way. These lies aren’t just regular campaign bullshit you expect to hear on the road. This is sinister shit that breeds cynicism of just the ugliest flavor – – and lest you forget, we’re talking about the Republican front runner for President of the United States! 

Captain Sisko doesn't approve.

Captain Sisko doesn’t approve.

Yes, yes, no race is monolithic. There are Latinos that will vote by the hundreds for Trump. There are pale Irish bitches like me who actually don’t particularly care for potatoes and cabbage, and might have rode out the famine rather happily without the garbage of foods. And there are black people that’ll snitch so they can work in the house, and we don’t have to respect that kind of behavior, and we definitely don’t have to accept it as leadership material. Before you arrogant twats get offended:

This one’s just clever.

Nobody gives a shit if you’re offended, it affects literally nothing in the real world, which is why I removed it from my regular vocabulary. If I were the type to sling my barely bruised giant ego around the internet, I’d probably say that I’m insulted that there are people who would even consider asking me to lower my standards so far as to accept Ben Carson as a leader. I’m not, so I’ll just note that I find it completely hilarious that White Christians are having their Ignorance Bingo card filled out for them by Uncle Ruckus himself, and they don’t even notice. The kind of sycophantic pathological liar it takes to betray 60 years of your own peoples’ civil rights progress is the president the Republican electorate deserves, but it’s always been able to count on the intelligent “not real” part of America (newly upside-down Rhode Island) to make sure they get better than they deserve. So it is essentially our duty to see to it that he’s treated with about as much contempt as the house slave of yore he is.

Alright, I’m off to go write a country song about how nobody is going to pass this sumbitch around the Facebooks.

*The official position of The Bajeezus is that Steve Harvey is a massive cunt, and we will take every minuscule opportunity to say so.